and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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