My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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