they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
