I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
