The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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