why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
