hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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