so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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