Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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