My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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