he was CRYING into my vagina
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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