Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
