I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
