He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
