So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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