I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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