i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
