Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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