dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Randomize
