I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
