I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
