is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
