Will you blow on my dice?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
