I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
