Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize