I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
