I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize