I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
ttyl tear gas
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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