my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize