apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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