I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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