great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
