Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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