Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We talked him into tasing himself.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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