Did you just see the Batmobile???
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
