Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
