I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
