I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
