weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
