Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The air was thick with penises
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
