she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
