get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
