Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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