Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
