you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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