There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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