All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
