You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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