you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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