Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
