You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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