If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Life without a bra equals bliss.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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