Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
