i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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