I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
