Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
