This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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