I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
