I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
